We've all overdone it. Show me someone who hasn't and I'll show you an enemy of joy. There is a time and a place though and now 'tis the season to be healthy once again. Having eaten until you couldn't hold the vomit down and drunk until you couldn't speak, hold a glass or dance, but continued to try to do all of those things, it's time to go in the other direction. Read on to learn how a few hours of exercise and a good lie down on the clifftops in the rain will help you purge yourself of those Christmassy toxins.
Swimming In Gravy
Christmas Day that dip in the gravy pool seemed like such a good idea.
Half-cut on your morning wine, you no doubt grinned sincerely as you
bobbed along there with spuds and tender bird meat for company. Now's
the time to wake up. You're still soaked in meatjuice and have forgotten
how to walk. You're like a heap of filthy clothes in need of two hours on
the hard wash cycle. The sooner you get yourself back on dry land,
breathing fresh air instead of fag smoke, sipping green tea instead of
4am sherry, the sooner you'll look and feel like a worthwhile human
My Gran's Bosoms
facts. Look in the mirror. Your eyes are circled with the stains of a
thousand fag butts. Your face sags like my Gran's bosoms. You're letting
the team down and I don't want to know you. You can wallow in your solo
misery-fest, or you can jump back on board the Power Train, next stop
Hot Body Town.
Be the Wind
If you can
steer yourself away from the downward spiral of chocolate addiction and
find your way to the gym then you'll soon feel like the wind
dancing round the mountain peaks; like the birds playing thereon,
thriving on nature's currents. You'll become the best version of
yourself. Pert. Elastic. Smiling. These are all words that describe the
you that will shine through.
short list of foodstuffs, including meat, alcohol, coffee, dairy
products, salt, sugar, anything processed, bread, cereals, rice,
potatoes, pasta, is for this next week banned from your kitchen. In
fact, don't allow these things near you. When all the idiots are dancing
about like half-dead lunatics on New Year's Eve, raise a glass of fresh
carrot juice to Jools Holland and settle back, safe in the knowledge
that 2013 is going to be your year.
Get Yourself a Nappy
eaten so much rubbish that you could spend the whole day on the toilet
without ridding yourself of the fire that burns in your bowels. Why not
wear a nappy, or even two, so you can go about your detoxing business
without having to stop for diarrhea breaks?
Your Brain Wants to Crawl Out of Your Ear
watched so many hours of TV that your brain is firing out tonnes of free
radicals in a desperate attempt to end the endless intake of inane
drama and brainless family comedy. It's time to test
yourself. When was the last time you tired reading the dictionary from
cover to cover? See how long you can last without falling asleep. Give
your eyes something to think about. Next, is it raining? Yes? Good. Get
out there and do some tai-chi on the clifftops. If it hurts, all the
better. You have to shock the crap out of your system (once again, the
nappies will come in handy).
You've drunk until you've got
mysterious bruises and unexplained back pains (that's your liver
threatening to give up). Now's the time to cleanse. There are many fine
laxatives on the market, but one of nature's remedies is lemon. Buy one.
Eat it whole. Wait. Soon you'll have a clean colon.
No Pain, No Gain
wusses say you can overdo it in the gym. Personally, I like to tear
myself up. Now is the time to face your fears head on. Crush those
demons. This Christmas you gave your heart a pounding, now the only way
to undo the damage is to push yourself to the limit. Let's go!