Saturday, 29 December 2012

55 - Christmas Detox

We've all overdone it. Show me someone who hasn't and I'll show you an enemy of joy. There is a time and a place though and now 'tis the season to be healthy once again. Having eaten until you couldn't hold the vomit down and drunk until you couldn't speak, hold a glass or dance, but continued to try to do all of those things, it's time to go in the other direction. Read on to learn how a few hours of exercise and a good lie down on the clifftops in the rain will help you purge yourself of those Christmassy toxins.

Swimming In Gravy

On Christmas Day that dip in the gravy pool seemed like such a good idea. Half-cut on your morning wine, you no doubt grinned sincerely as you bobbed along there with spuds and tender bird meat for company. Now's the time to wake up. You're still soaked in meatjuice and have forgotten how to walk. You're like a heap of filthy clothes in need of two hours on the hard wash cycle. The sooner you get yourself back on dry land, breathing fresh air instead of fag smoke, sipping green tea instead of 4am sherry, the sooner you'll look and feel like a worthwhile human being.

My Gran's Bosoms 
Let's face facts. Look in the mirror. Your eyes are circled with the stains of a thousand fag butts. Your face sags like my Gran's bosoms. You're letting the team down and I don't want to know you. You can wallow in your solo misery-fest, or you can jump back on board the Power Train, next stop Hot Body Town.

Be the Wind
If you can steer yourself away from the downward spiral of chocolate addiction and find your way to the gym then you'll soon feel like the wind dancing round the mountain peaks; like the birds playing thereon, thriving on nature's currents. You'll become the best version of yourself. Pert. Elastic. Smiling. These are all words that describe the you that will shine through.

A short list of foodstuffs, including meat, alcohol, coffee, dairy products, salt, sugar, anything processed, bread, cereals, rice, potatoes, pasta, is for this next week banned from your kitchen. In fact, don't allow these things near you. When all the idiots are dancing about like half-dead lunatics on New Year's Eve, raise a glass of fresh carrot juice to Jools Holland and settle back, safe in the knowledge that 2013 is going to be your year.

Get Yourself a Nappy
You've eaten so much rubbish that you could spend the whole day on the toilet without ridding yourself of the fire that burns in your bowels. Why not wear a nappy, or even two, so you can go about your detoxing business without having to stop for diarrhea breaks?

Your Brain Wants to Crawl Out of Your Ear
You've watched so many hours of TV that your brain is firing out tonnes of free radicals in a desperate attempt to end the endless intake of inane drama and brainless family comedy. It's time to test yourself. When was the last time you tired reading the dictionary from cover to cover? See how long you can last without falling asleep. Give your eyes something to think about. Next, is it raining? Yes? Good. Get out there and do some tai-chi on the clifftops. If it hurts, all the better. You have to shock the crap out of your system (once again, the nappies will come in handy).

Mysterious Bruises
You've drunk until you've got mysterious bruises and unexplained back pains (that's your liver threatening to give up). Now's the time to cleanse. There are many fine laxatives on the market, but one of nature's remedies is lemon. Buy one. Eat it whole. Wait. Soon you'll have a clean colon.

No Pain, No Gain
Some wusses say you can overdo it in the gym. Personally, I like to tear myself up. Now is the time to face your fears head on. Crush those demons. This Christmas you gave your heart a pounding, now the only way to undo the damage is to push yourself to the limit. Let's go!

1 comment:

  1. Petty things first: It's "You'VE eaten so much ..." not "you eaten" in the nappy section, if I'm not mistaken.

    Other than that, I loved it. Not so sure about the Santa thing you have going, which lacks in poignancy and direction - at least that's what I feel reading it, although I might be a victim of above outlined fatigue... But this how-to pretty much rocks.

    Interestingly, I read a aphorism by Adorno in his book about the importance of leaving stuff out that is unripe or doesn't belong and to work and find the best way to say things until it hits the nail on the head. We've talked about that, too.
    Anyway, this here feels like it either flowed out of you like one very good piece or has all the holes in the right places.

    One small exception, though: The way you end it is good, but maybe the formula "Let's go" is not the perfect one. Don't have a proper suggestion off the top of my head, but it seems to have less punch than the rest of it.

    PS: updated today as well. Woke up, and had this pretty much finished in my head: