Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Why Leeds Should Buy Vidal and Cavani

So, we've been forced to bid farewell to our bonny Scottish goal-prince (that's Torprinz for those of you swept up in the German love-in, and when I say those of you, I mean all of you, since only bitter Brazilians are resisting the urge to love all over the Germans). In return, however, we're getting £11m (ELEVEN MILLION POUNDS STERLING). Furthermore, in addition to those millions we have Massimo Cellino, a man who couldn't look more like a messiah figure if he crucified himself. This is an uomo who will rescue Leeds from Championship Hell, absolve us of our sins, which are too numerous to list here, and redeem our fortunes in the Kingdom of Prem, but, with the club in such a mess before this cash injection, the question must be "Where to start, Luigi?".

What to do? What to do?

Such a cool dude
Spend it, Massimo! Spend it good!
And if you will spend it, here's a rundown of players who could be tempted to restore Elland Road to the peak of Zion, well, maybe a less divisive peak, considering the situation in Israel *searches Internet* here's a rundown of some players who could be tempted to take part in the celestial construction project that'll put Elland Road back on top of Mount Sinai:

Who Leeds Should Buy

 Thiago Silva

That's right, I think we should sign the Brazil Captain. My reasoning? Firstly, he'll want a change after a disappointing World Cup. Secondly, he's known to have an aversion to the way David Luiz, a new signing for Silva's soon-to-be former club PSG, stands very, very close to him in training. And thirdly, in a 2009 interview with a local newspaper in Brazil Silva is quoted as saying "the greatest club side in the world is Leeds United, everyone knows that!"

He'd not only shore up the defence, but also take some of the strain off Rudy, who would be only too happy to hand over that Captain's armband. Get on the phone, Massimo!

Arturo Vidal

He might only want to come to us for a season, but I'm fine with that. He might even do a Cantona after, but to be honest, I can handle that, especially since the pain of seeing him play in those colours would always be tempered by the knowledge that the Scum will never get to have Pogba, Vidal's teammate, back.

Surely, with your connections, Massy, you can have a word in the Juve Chariman's shell and work something out. We might be able to get him on a free. 

He'd terrorise the Championship. Think about it. In fact, I'm thinking about it a bit too hard, I'm going to have to go and have a, erm, lie-down.

Xherdan Shaqiri 

Now, here's an interesting one: He only played 17 times in the league for Bayern last season, so he's bound to want to move. On top of that, Bayern are known to be interested in signing Michael Tonge and personally I think a straight swap for Shaqiri would make a kind of mad sense. 

He's 22, and was Switzerland's best player at the World Cup, but he's not that well known in the UK, so we might be able to grab him quick before the Premiership scouts catch on.

The best part for me is his nickname: "the Alpine Messi". Yes, please!

Edison Cavani

Look at him. He's gorgeous. Imagine him striding manfully around Elland Road, smashing the ball, which would be only too willing to be smashed by such a man, into the top corner and cantering into the crowd to gather me, or any one of us, up in his arms.

He'd be a decent replacement for Ross, though he plays a slightly different role. He's great at holding it up, maybe even better than Matt Smith, whom I rate.

Business tip for Massimo: Try to do the Silva and Cavani deals at the same time, since they'll both be coming to Leeds from PSG.

That's it for now, let me know what you think in the comments section below.

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