Opening Day Defeat Reveals Van Gaal as Shit Bastard

"Shithouse"

Fears that Louis Van Gaal was pretending to know what he was doing were confirmed Saturday as the Red Devils slumped to defeat in their first match of the season.

David Moyes' successor was feted as a fancy continental operator and many thought his role as Netherlands boss proved that he knew a bit about football, but 96 wretched minutes against Swansea have now seen the worst nightmares of Man United's fans come true.

Bill from Bermondsey had this to say: "Who is this joker? What's he ever done? They should've got Harry Redknapp in from the start".

In Newquay, a man was hospitalised after receiving a beating for suggesting that it was "only one game" and "not the end of the world".

Investigations show that Van Gaal is actually a vacuum cleaner salesman from the suburbs of Amsterdam. His wife has been quoted as saying: "Tell him to call home. It's time to end this charade". Van Gaal apparently has no plans to relinquish his self-imposed exile-cum-fraud.

Asked how he'd successfully pretended to be a football manager well enough to be given the top job in English club football, the chubby door-to-door hoover-monger, destined surely for a swift return to obscurity, smiled cheekily and said he'd just "winged it".

Informed by our reporters that he was bound to get sacked as soon as a replacement could be found, Van Gaal didn't seem fazed at all, merely grinning inanely and muttering about his multi-million pound pay-off.

The man does know how to sell a vaccuum cleaner.

Speaking for a nation of Scum supporters, Scott from Inverness opined: "I said from the start: Who is this cunt? Vin Girl? Ven Ghoul? Very Crap more like. Get rid".

Odds have now been slashed on Man U to do even worse than last season, an outcome which would only mean continued merriment for all other football supporters.