Monday, 9 February 2015

probably just a bitter response to Valentine's Day

This is probably just a bitter Valentine's response from a love-less singleton but can't we all just learn to get along without one another? Wouldn't it be easier if we could all leave our peers alone? Well alone, so they don't even get woken up by doorbells, or disturbed by the arrival of post. We could make a world in which no one even knows you're there.

Actually, this is just a bitter response to Valentine's Day from a fallen over singleton. Yet aren't we all essentially single? Can I really be more single than you? Also, I will probably save on gifts and things. Imagine how that adds up over the years.

Probably this is no more sensible than a piss in the wedding punch from a pissed-up guest that came alone and will leave alone, but what is Valentine's Day anyway? You have many days on which to express love. You can do it anytime. Why bunch it up all together into a show? Should I be able to see that enormous bouquet in my peripheral?

Little is known about the real Saint Valentine. Perhaps he hand-stitched his home-made teddies, the ones with a heart in their hands. Where did the hearts come from? Only an enormous creature could provide a heart as big as a bear's torso. Is whale heart an aphrodisiac?

Apparently Valentine was martyred in the 3rd century. He never even got to see his holiday really take off. In his day you can imagine that only he and his missus knew about it. He might have spent half the year preparing the perfect surprise for his Tippy Tush, or whatever he called her. He no doubt went out picking flowers from the meadows and stringing them up around the house, where he served an exquisite meal that he whipped up without a word of complaint, before leading her, blindfolded, out to the garden where he showed her the giant turtle he'd captured and placed in their pond.

His devotion to this woman of his dreams is probably what drove him to his martyrdom. You can imagine some disagreement over laying hankies across puddles, or a dispute in a bar concerning words and attachments, because love creates problems.

In any case, his ideal was love and to this day Valentine's Day reminds us that to give yourself up to another person is the pinnacle of human existence. On the contrary, in my experience food trumps love every time. Cheese is far nicer. And biscuits? Biscuits are immense. Sushi is better than sex, while apple crumble beats any post-coital embrace. And all that trust and companionship? It doesn't come close to ice-cream.

I mean, have you ever had Korean food? Guarantee me three good Korean meals a year for the rest of my life and I will forego all human contact, let alone love. Love is over-rated, and even on a day when I'm feeling generous it doesn't come near Korean food in terms of flavour, satisfaction or aesthetics. I will live in total isolation in exchange for three decent Korean feasts a year. You can feed me whatever you want the rest of the year. Korean food is the tits.

Love is taxing. You want to be worn out by all these gifts and promises and compromises? Or do you want to eat cheese and the occasional Korean feast? I know what I'd choose.

This may be nothing more than the bitter response of a love-less so-called loser in the run up to Valentine's Day, but I'd say we all need to take a step back. "Find some love", everyone's saying. I say that if you're single then just don't worry about it. Pour yourself a drink. Keep that gift money and spend it on yourself. Let's make a new, far happier world, alone.

No comments:

Post a Comment