55 - Christmas Detox

We've all overdone it. Show me someone who hasn't and I'll show you an enemy of joy. There is a time and a place though and now 'tis the season to be healthy once again. Having eaten until you couldn't hold the vomit down and drunk until you couldn't speak, hold a glass or dance, but continued to try to do all of those things, it's time to go in the other direction. Read on to learn how a few hours of exercise and a good lie down on the clifftops in the rain will help you purge yourself of those Christmassy toxins.

Swimming In Gravy
On Christmas Day that dip in the gravy pool seemed like such a good idea. Half-cut on your morning wine, you no doubt grinned sincerely as you bobbed along there with spuds and tender bird meat for company. Now's the time to wake up. You're still soaked in meatjuice and have forgotten how to walk. You're like a heap of filthy clothes in need of two hours on the hard wash cycle. The sooner you get yourself back on dry land, breathing fresh air instead of fag smoke, sipping green tea instead of 4am sherry, the sooner you'll look and feel like a worthwhile human being.

My Gran's Bosoms 
Let's face facts. Look in the mirror. Your eyes are circled with the stains of a thousand fag butts. Your face sags like my Gran's bosoms. You're letting the team down and I don't want to know you. You can wallow in your solo misery-fest, or you can jump back on board the Power Train, next stop Hot Body Town.

Be the Wind
If you can steer yourself away from the downward spiral of chocolate addiction and find your way to the gym then you'll soon feel like the wind dancing round the mountain peaks; like the birds playing thereon, thriving on nature's currents. You'll become the best version of yourself. Pert. Elastic. Smiling. These are all words that describe the you that will shine through.

Detox
A short list of foodstuffs, including meat, alcohol, coffee, dairy products, salt, sugar, anything processed, bread, cereals, rice, potatoes, pasta, is for this next week banned from your kitchen. In fact, don't allow these things near you. When all the idiots are dancing about like half-dead lunatics on New Year's Eve, raise a glass of fresh carrot juice to Jools Holland and settle back, safe in the knowledge that 2013 is going to be your year.

Get Yourself a Nappy
You've eaten so much rubbish that you could spend the whole day on the toilet without ridding yourself of the fire that burns in your bowels. Why not wear a nappy, or even two, so you can go about your detoxing business without having to stop for diarrhea breaks?

Your Brain Wants to Crawl Out of Your Ear
You've watched so many hours of TV that your brain is firing out tonnes of free radicals in a desperate attempt to end the endless intake of inane drama and brainless family comedy. It's time to test yourself. When was the last time you tired reading the dictionary from cover to cover? See how long you can last without falling asleep. Give your eyes something to think about. Next, is it raining? Yes? Good. Get out there and do some tai-chi on the clifftops. If it hurts, all the better. You have to shock the crap out of your system (once again, the nappies will come in handy).

Mysterious Bruises
You've drunk until you've got mysterious bruises and unexplained back pains (that's your liver threatening to give up). Now's the time to cleanse. There are many fine laxatives on the market, but one of nature's remedies is lemon. Buy one. Eat it whole. Wait. Soon you'll have a clean colon.

No Pain, No Gain
Some wusses say you can overdo it in the gym. Personally, I like to tear myself up. Now is the time to face your fears head on. Crush those demons. This Christmas you gave your heart a pounding, now the only way to undo the damage is to push yourself to the limit. Let's go!

54 - Santa's Prison Diaries

25th October

When I first arrived, and for days actually, I couldn't speak. I wasn't even that unhappy. I just couldn't bring myself to say anything. When they made me strip and they searched me and watched me wash myself, I felt humiliated but I couldn't even react. There were times when forming a facial expression was beyond me.

I felt like this lack of response could have had bad consequences, but I was isolated. Even when I did see fellow prisoners they reacted to me with a reverence that was embarrassing, rather than with the hostility that I watch them inflict on one another. Still now I come out from my cell, having spent hours staring at the walls with very little going on in my head to find people watching me, expecting something. Hardly anyone speaks to me. It is eerie.

28th October

People complain of the boredom, but I'm starting to enjoy this empty time. I'm in the swing of things. I like that we do little but eat and sleep. I like that there are few options. Also, the sun is shining brightly these days. Still can't find anything to say to my lawyer.

We are restricted of course and constantly reminded of all the things we are not to do. Quite a few people have softened to me and I find myself inundated with questions. They seem to want to treat me like an agony aunt, though most still keep a respectful distance. I have made a sort of friend. His name is Ernest. He seems to enjoy not only listing the practices that are forbidden to us, but also dreaming out loud about how pleasant it would be to gamble or carry whatever he might want to or to wander off without reporting in. I enjoy his company.

30th October 

I am writing this, as I've written all of my diary entries, from the surprisingly large library that overlooks the yard. The newspapers here are ridiculous. I've seen reports of abuse that I'm supposed to have received. More worrying somehow are the scenarios people imagine. I will become obese they say. I will bash my brains out against the wall. Apparently there is a very good chance of me killing myself. Again, it is like reading stories made up by children. If I am to be in here through Christmas then it will be my first year off in several centuries. I have in fact given the consequences very little thought. The freedom not to think is one I'm enjoying immensely.

4th November

I feel happy here now. At times I feel I could live here happily for months, though that may change. I read constantly and enjoy simply pleasures. I've become far more attentive than before.

Here is a dream that I dreamed last night:

I was starving on a wintry street and went in from the cold to this low-ceiling eating hall. Benches were ranged in rows and at every bench a row of men were eating greedily. I yielded myself to the warmth and music, which had an odd choral style. By a fire at the end of the room a few men, their shirts and scarves stained with meatjuice sang "Who is there who'll sing, the glad tides of your coming?"

At the bar, too, were men. These ones were sat on high stools, with their hats pushed back, wolfing down plates of gristle and bread. Their fingers dripped with grease. The smell was overpowering and I couldn't eat a thing. Somehow though, stood in the doorway with all this gorging going on around me, I felt calm. I woke up as if spat back out into this world. All that I could think was that as long as I can be transported to other realities in this way then I'm as free here as I would be anywhere.

Also, I am realising day by day how I'm now more relaxed than I have been in about five hundred years. Normally, even when my duties are as remote as can be I still have thoughts of Christmas swilling round in my head. Though I can't explain it, all of that's gone now.